New at this

This is a new experience for me - and I doubt anyone ever reads this, but i am doing this for myself to myself. Tracking my feelings, thoughts, successes, worries. Writing helps! And, since we are in the 21st century....this is my way of letting the world know I am still alive and kickin, and not just a useless old woman.


I am sad because my son and his family are moving to Germany for a couple of years and the only way I will ever see them is if they come back - and then, that will be to Michigan or Columbus, with perhaps a sympathy visit for a few hours to me. I will miss my grandsons. I had my 1st real gransma experience a few weeks ago and was finally able to have them to my house - just them and me - for a day or so. I can't remember a recent time I have been so happy. I had the best time ever and wish it hadn't had to end a day early - no reason given why they had to go home a day early - they were having a great time! And so was I! I just try to go with the flow and not make waves - don't want to impose on my kids lives if they don't want me to. But it hurts so much to be an after thought to kids who you devoted your life and being to for so many years. I thought I was a good mom - gave them what I could- put up with a louse of a husband for more years than I ever wanted to - hauled them to and from wherever.


Now, do not take me wrong, I am a happy person - have been for the past 9 years since I finally did leave that alcoholic, lying, lazy husband. I was slowing dying inside for so many years - living on ibuprofin because of a sick feeling day in and day out in the pit of my stomach. That left the day I filed for divorce - only followed once when I moved out and he was such a jack... the day I moved and made it so hard on my daughter - who hated me and blamed me for it all! It could have been so much easier on the kids had he not chosen that day to be an a... But I will not dwell on ancient history!


I think my emotions today are just so raw because of my son's move to Germany. I am so proud of his and his accomplishments and his family. And this is such a great opportunity for them! But I see no way of being able to afford a ticket to go visit them - the last few months have been so expensive for me - Car repairs, dental bills, washer and dryer both went phhhttt - and hours cut at work. debt debt debt - and just when I was almost free and clear of any credit card debt! I hate owing credit cards!

On a brighter note - my friend, Kathy, just brought me a beautiful white, marble toppped kitchen island she found at a garage sale - asked 40 - got for $30! It is beautiful! Only has 1 shelf, where my old one had 2, but i can adjust. Isn't that what life is about - adjusting?

And - I have lost 7 pounds in the last 3 weeks - just eating healthier - more fruits and vegetables. I finally came to the conclusion I have no one who will help me if I fall into ill health, so I have to change my ways! what tok me so long - denial! And diets do not work in my opinion - and if you tell me I can't have something, or I have to eat something, I go into defiant mode and gourge myself - so I have made my own mind up to make wiser choices. And allow myself the occasional slip. I am amazed at how good I have been! I am proud of that! Oh, that moves me to another lingering knowledge - I have such low self esteem. what I remember from my childhood - memories of being told I did something wrong, I embarassed someone in the family - I was too skinny, then too fat. I think I could have been a freer spirit except it was squashed over and over! That may be why I have always wished I could have been a clown or a team mascot - being exhubereant and not being scolded for it!

Well, that is enough fo today. Man, with all of this said, I am glad no one will be reading this. But is feels good just "saying" it. Now back to the happy me and my day!